It has taken time, many years and places

I wish there were a non-problematic, socially acceptable way to find out someone’s sexual orientation.  This has been an issue TWICE today.

First, I was having coffee with a beautiful man* from school, and we started talking about a prominent professor we’ve both taken classes from. This professor is brilliant, but has some really troubling views on gender/LGBT+ shit.  I mentioned this as one of the reasons I declined to take several of his classes and said “Yeah… that issue is kind of non-negotiable for me…” and he gave me a really funny look because I know he assumed I was straight.  I wanted to be like “No, I’m queer, but I like both women AND men, so even though this is just a friendly coffee date please don’t think I’m not interested because I TOTALLY AM” but that would have been totes awk and so I just let it sit there and made sure I flirted with him a bunch later.  Ughhh.

And THEN, a few days ago I met a pretty lady and invited her out for coffee sometime. Today she got back to me and said hey, let’s actually get dinner sometime!  Is she straight and just wants more time to chat than over coffee? Does she like ladies and wants to make this a date?  WHO KNOWS.

WHY IS SOCIAL INTERACTION SO HARD. HOW HAVE HUMANS MANAGED TO SURVIVE THIS LONG WHEN DATING IS SO HARD. I DO NOT EVEN KNOW.

*No really, this man is the most beautiful person I have ever met. I do not even know how it is possible to be that aesthetically perfect.

what do

I’m fucking starving

But I don’t have any food that doesn’t have gluten in it.

Go hungry or potentially be in pain all day…?

Doctor’s appointment scheduled for Wednesday to get this shit figured out.  :[

UPDATE: Gluten-filled meal consumed, one hour later I am neither dead nor writhing in pain.  Win for survival, loss for figuring out what the fuck is wrong. Sometimes I hate my body.

being made of meat is stupid.

God, everything hurts.

Cut for whining.

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Hey so lest any of you were under the assumption that I have any idea what I’m doing with this whole Christianity thing, let me set something straight: I don’t have a fucking clue. I just flail around and have a lot of Feelings and ask a lot of questions and occasionally cry in class. I’m angry and distraught and excited and hopeful by turns. Most of the time I think God is a monster, but I stick around anyway. And when I can explain why, maybe I’ll finally be getting somewhere.

This post brought to you by my insecurity at having spoken up in class last night.

what is even happening

• A lady asked me out. She’s super interesting and pretty and shorter than me and kinda femme and I’m just all aslkdjf;als about it.  I just, dating how do you?? If I can muster up the guts to say yes I probs will but !!!! THIS IS A BIG STEP also a girl at work has been checking me out and oh I feel like middle school all over again SO AWKWARD AND FEELINGS AND WHAT
• I’m fiiiiiiiinally getting back into singing again and my chorus is doing a Halloween concert! There’s gonna be a trio doing the witches’ chorus from Verdi’s Macbeth and I want to be in it so badly. I have the voice for it (I’m actually way more suited vocally for shit like this than the pop/Broadway tunes we usually do), but there are so many talented ladies in this group! We’ll seeeeeee :) 
• I interviewed last week at a non-profit org that partners with the Lutheran church to offer seminars/classes/etc about gender and sexuality to local congregations, as well as provide counseling/support for LGBT+ church members who are coming out/coming to terms with their sexuality.  It went super well, and I really, really, really hope they want me.  Because this is basically a dream job.
• I chopped my finger open at work a few weeks ago, and today I finally got my stitches out!  I might have some nerve damage on one side, but compared to the gaping wound it was before, I’m pretty impressed with my healing powers.  Bodies are awesome, guys.